Warrior(s)

Have you seen it? Warrior? If not then go. Go. Right. Now.

Have you seen it now? Because I’m serious – you need to. Immediately. Come to think of it, if you have seen it already, go again! Seriously. It’s amazing. Even if you’re not a fan of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) you will love this movie. Even if you’re a woman (or any sex of person, actually) who’s not a proponent of violence, you will love this movie. It will make you laugh, it will make you cry. It’s awesome.

It is one of those amazingly rare balanced films, where you’re not sure who to root for. Sometimes in films you’re not sure who to root for because you don’t like anyone. Not in this film. In this film you’re not sure who to root for because you love everyone – you want everyone to win. And you know there is no way for everyone to win. Someone has to lose. I love those kind of movies.

Then there are the performances. My god, the performances. They are exquisite. Just heartbreaking. Touching. Heartwarming. All at the same time. My hubs fights MMA and Jennifer Morrison exactly portrays how I feel when he fights. Cheering when he’s winning and closing my eyes when he’s struggling. The agony when I think he’s injured and the joy when he wins. The tension when you’re not able to watch (for whatever reason). Not watching is definitely harder than watching. She’s perfect. And she’s not the only one. They’re all perfect. Bit parts, main roles. Their struggle and humanity are clearly on their faces every step of the way.

And now I’m wondering – why isn’t everyone screaming from the rooftops about this movie?!? It debuted to high hopes, great reviews, and then had an opening weekend of just $5.6 million. Sad stuff. I’m terribly afraid that this spectacular movie will fade into the shadows, overlooked for Oscars, moving to the dollar movie theaters and DVD’s with barely a whisper.

And that would be a travesty. Not only for the reasons mentioned above, but also because of the lessons that came clear to me as I watched it. One of the major themes that I loved in this movie is that we are all Warriors. We are all fighting either for or against something. We’re fighting against a memory, an experience, an action we took, a decision we made. We’re fighting for family, country, ourselves or our loved ones. And sometimes you’re doing both at the same time. You’re fighting against the experience of a childhood with an alcoholic father and for your own family and children. You’re fighting against the memory of a dying mother, or your own dishonorable actions, and for a brother-in-arms. And in the end, it’s way easier to fight for something, than against something.

For a long time I fought against myself. I fought against the experience of a lonely childhood. The memory of being the least popular person in school. Every time I met someone new my first thought would be “I wonder if they’ll like me.” I believed myself to be unlikable, and fought against that belief every day. Or maybe with it. I was surprised every time someone I deemed interesting was interested in me in return. I constantly worried: was I smart enough, funny enough, happy enough, would they see through my facade? Working all the time to be exactly what they needed in a friend, hoping I could fool them so that they would never want to do without me. Hoping I could be perfect.

It’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to fight against yourself. It wore me out day after day. It got harder and harder to smile. I got more and more brittle inside. It was a terrible catch 22. As I got more tired, I became more afraid that the “truth” would show through, that my facade would fail me. So I worked harder on covering things up, and because more tired, and more afraid. And again, and again, and again. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I didn’t even realize how tired I was, stretched thin over my “faults” hoping they wouldn’t show through to the surface. Until someone asked me, “Isn’t it exhausting to put on a happy face for everyone else, every day?”

“It is none of your business what others think of you.” (I love Eleanor Roosevelt). I’d heard that quote before, many times. I’d thought I embraced it, understood it. I was wrong. I finally understand. It’s not my job to be happy for anyone else. I have to be happy for myself. I have had several amazing experiences this year that have finally driven me to fully embrace this concept. It is none of my business what other people think of me. They’re going to think it, regardless. What’s important is what I think of me. Do I think I’m likable, a good person, honest and in integrity with my word? Am I worthy of respect, love, admiration and trust? I can finally stop fighting against a scared little girl, and start fighting for an amazing woman. I can fight for my joy. I can fight for win-win solutions. I can fight for my liberty. I can fight for myself.

I am a Warrior.

What do you fight for?